Mule

So it happened. Finally. It was bound to. Last night was as good a night as any I suppose. She stood behind the counter, hunched over doing a crossword in front of the coffee machine. I walked slowly towards the leather cushioned sofa and sunk there for a few moments. Hiding probably, from the 5 or so years I'd much rather not confront. How unavoidable time is these days, especially when everything I know and loved has been seemingly distorted somehow, sculpted into something it was never meant to be. It was going to have to happen, if I left without saying anything I'll never get over it, accepting the last 5 years for what they've been. Amazing? Possibly....possibly maybe. But there are always doubts, always. The door was open and I could have left, told Kyle I'd catch another open mic at another spot another time, but instead I went and said hello, to a girl now in her second year of college, studying English Lit, doing a semester in Scotland. I taught this girl American History 5 years ago when I was student teaching. 5 years.
That's a long time to have spent in and out of a van, living in a basement, paycheck to paycheck, all in support of dreams.

Having spent the last 5 years almost everywhere, I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. This will be my second year at Haverford teaching, and I'm starting Grad school next month for a Masters in Special Education.
But even still I'm an old mule these days. Hardcore......I don't know about Hardcore anymore. It's only once in a blue moon that Rosetta gets to play a show that truly feels DIY anymore, and heavy music is getting a little too trite. It's so hard to find something heavy and fresh.
I never went to shows at bars. I had dreams of playing houses and squats. Yet here we are, doing shows in bars because that's all that can be maintained for any consistent amount of time.
And Skateboarding....that's changed so much. But something remains the same about it. Skateboarding is always right where I left it.

I'm finished, because I feel broken. No more energy for Rosetta outside of practice and shows. That warhorse did me in simply trying to feed it as best I knew how. Once bitten twice shy? Is that the saying. I love Rosetta, but she's a burden I can no longer care for the way she needs to be cared for. Dave's picking up the pieces anyway.

Focus has to be on teaching and skateboarding. Teaching makes me happy, skateboarding brings me balance. I'll be able to go on accepting my age, and the changes if I do this.

I feel like a mule any longer, or the next time I look 5 years back it won't look so good.